How did you resolve disagreements with your partner?

You are all right, as I see it. A house is a partnership project and both parties should be equal in decision-making.

But if one party does not take on part of the partnership, they cannot make demands for that part.

You always assume that the couple has been together for 50 years, the man earns 200k and the woman has 4 children and previously had a highly paid clinic director job...

There are also other partnerships. For example, the one where the two have known each other for 2-3 years and are planning a future together, BUT she inherited 500k and HE is a DJ who occasionally has a gig on weekends. Now they want to move into a house and HE wants a man cave, sauna, foosball table in the hallway, a "workroom" for his DJ stuff and the living room in dark wood look.

In your opinion, she should now sit down with him and find compromises... Yeah right... You are such good people with such a great character.

I would like to see how good-hearted and willing to compromise you are when your daughter comes up with such a plan at marriageable age...

But pretending to be understanding and willing to compromise here in the forum goes down well. You are all just much better people than I am.

In this sense... have fun paying off.

It only reinforces my statement that she is building the house for herself, which is okay given the circumstances. The partner is just an accessory so as not to be alone, also completely legitimate.

Will he pay rent in the future or will he have to work off the rent?

It is also about community. I have been with my wife for almost 5 years and married for almost two years. She is a civil servant and I am a private retiree. The gap is even bigger than in your example. Although the house is in my name (thus secured and everything is contractually regulated), it will still be her or our shared home. She should contribute, feel comfortable, and also be reflected in it. All ideas and wishes are discussed. A rejection never occurs because I pay but because it is recognized that the idea is not sensible/too expensive/not suitable, etc.

You are all right, in my opinion.
A house is a partnership project and both parties should be equal in decision-making.

But if one party does not take on part of the partnership, they cannot make demands for that part.

You always assume that the couple has been together for 50 years, the man earns 200k and the woman has 4 children and previously had a highly paid hospital chief job...

There are other partnerships too.
For example, one where the two have known each other for 2-3 years and both are planning their future together at that moment, SHE inherited 500k and HE is a DJ who sometimes has gigs on the weekend. Now the two want to move into a house and HE wants a man-cave, sauna, foosball table in the hallway, a "workroom" for his DJ stuff and the living room in dark wood finish.

In your opinion, she should now sit down with him and find compromises... Yeah right... You are such good people with such a wonderful character.

I would like to see how good-hearted and compromise-ready you are when your daughter of marriageable age comes up with such a plan...

But here in the forum, pretending to be understanding and willing to compromise goes down well. You are all just much better people than I am.

In this sense... enjoy paying off the mortgage.

Very judgmental, the mere use of the term "good-hearted" is telling.
Those who fling polemics around and artificially simplify facts maybe shouldn’t take everything so personally in the end and especially not come up with such exciting scenarios.

But isn't that more fundamentally the question of how the relationship is going? SHE is a wealthy heiress, HE is an unsuccessful artist - if HE then makes demands and basically plans the whole house so that it is HIS dream, without listening to his wife, something is going wrong. And not just in the planning, but in the relationship.

In everyday life, there are so many small and bigger decisions - how does that work with such couples? Going out to eat - the one with more money decides where and what is eaten? Vacation - the one with more money decides the destination? Shopping - the one with more money decides what is bought and eaten? Oh no!

Although I - forgive me - still believe in common sense. Especially when both partners have very different incomes - even without children. For example: The partner with less money cannot then want to decide on a luxury vacation, even though the one who earns more would rather go hiking in the mountains. Something is off there. And not because one wants to spend money they would never earn through their work, but rather on an interpersonal level. Why does one want a luxury vacation, but the other simply wants a quiet and peaceful one? Do their expectations really match; not only regarding vacation, but also regarding life, progress, happiness? Don’t they talk to each other "during the year," when, in this example vacation, it would already come to light what they want? Or are they just two people who live with/next to each other because it just happened that way and they now tolerate each other?

Our way of dealing with disagreements is actually quite simple. We do it like this: 1. We speak openly and listen to each other. 2. We take the time it takes to resolve something. 3. We are basically willing to approach the other person. 4. We try to separate factual disagreements from the relationship level. 5. In case of doubt, we accept the partner's decision, even if we would have made it differently ourselves. 6. We stick to agreements. 7. We let each other be as we are at the moment and accept inconsistency, fluctuations, enthusiasm, fear, etc. as part of the partner whom we love as a whole. 8. We don't take ourselves too seriously (without denying ourselves). This has been working quite well for 30 years and we are building for the 2nd time. Disagreements still occur from time to time but do not become dramatic in their impact. Sometimes a dissent can simply be left as is.

My question is, how did you deal with disagreements?

Hi Jean-Marc, right after the decision to build the house was made together, we had huge arguments about everything and nothing. House size, color, architectural style, etc. We didn't even have a plot yet! As soon as it was found and bought in summer 2016, we decided as follows: She can decide everything inside, really everything, down to the last detail. I take care of the outside. That was it. Since then, we have not argued a single time. We moved in August 2018 and still get along well. Next week we are going on our first holiday again. Somehow we are of course looking forward to it, but we are just as happy to return.