How did you resolve disagreements with your partner?

Yesterday evening we visited friends and, of course, during the evening red wine conversations, the topic eventually turned to our upcoming house construction (or rather the erection of our prefabricated house in September). Our friends had already built in 2015/2016 and warned us in advance how strenuous the construction phase can be for the relationship/marriage. Numerous examples from their new housing development were mentioned, where the fronts between both partners had long been quite hardened, so that the enjoyment of the home was quickly spoiled. For example, one couple still cannot agree on pavement in front of the house to this day, so nothing has happened and the ground is still just graveled. For others, the terrace design seems to be point of contention number one... I would rather not know what else is still being struggled with inside the house.
Our prefabricated house sales consultant said that even during the two-day sample selection process there had already been loud disputes and he had to involuntarily act as a referee.

My wife tends to stay in the background and leaves many planning decisions up to me. However, when it comes to shapes, color design, etc., she can also be very resolute. We agree on the big picture, but of course we have not discussed all the details inside and out.

My question therefore is, how did you handle disagreements?
Until one gives in?
Negotiated a compromise?
Balanced it out elsewhere?
Drawn lots?

I would be happy to read a bit on this delicate topic, which is rarely openly discussed... after all, we are among ourselves here.

Are you already expecting arguments?

With us, they actually came less from visual aspects and more from "planning" issues, because I like to plan a lot and my partner prefers to plan less or rather work things out on his own. He often presents me with his results, where I would have liked to get involved five steps earlier and discuss it with him. For example, we quickly agreed on the color of the tiles, but I often intervened regarding where we should even look because of the budget (and was mostly met with open ears without problems), whereas he often put a stop to my worries (you can really think about all sorts of things).

In the end, you have to get through arguments. Unfortunately, I can’t say it any other way. Depending on the culture of arguing, there can be more or less serious situations (ideally, of course, there wouldn’t be any disagreements at all), and we have sometimes snapped at each other, especially when one felt not taken seriously by the other (I deliberately write ‘felt’!).

But basically, we have always been united by the desire to get through the construction sensibly and quickly. I think that is a good basis for compromises because no one cares about blocking the other at all costs. If the driveway can’t be paved for years, in my opinion that’s not about whether one can agree on a color or a size. That sounds like completely different problems.

I don't want to sound arrogant. But when arguments are about trivialities like the pavement, there is a deeper problem elsewhere. Main issues are: building at all? Location? Finances? Shares in the whole for each individual?

Pavement, window color, etc. pp.: all nonsense that one can discuss but shouldn't argue about if the relationship is working. You complain, make a compromise, and that's that. Anyone who can't handle these petty questions shouldn't build together at all, because they don't belong together in the long run.

Sounds stupid, sounds arrogant? Maybe, but that's the way it is. Otherwise, the team spirit is missing in the most important team we have in life.

Ergo: If certain problems arise, building together is not advisable.

Chand, I think we still need to define from when something counts as a quarrel. If you ask my friend, we hardly ever argued on the construction site, we only discussed.

So we were/are basically in agreement on most things (location of the house on the property, type of house, choice of builder, etc.) almost immediately. Fortunately, when it comes to details, it has been the case so far that a point one person really wants is "whatever" to the other, so the wishes are implemented according to the budget. Sometimes we also discussed longer until we had a solution that was simply convincing through good arguments (sometimes more according to my wish, sometimes according to my partner's). As for colors, we largely agree as well, and since my husband is limited due to red-green color blindness (also with brown tones and partly towards blue/purple), he primarily leaves the decisions to me.

Not being able to agree "until today" (how long has this been going on?) on a squabble like a plaster is not a quarrel, not a discussion, but simply a problem that points to even deeper issues that a couple building [a house] should not have...

(A couple in itself, in my opinion, should not have that, but whatever)