Financing land and house? Taking out a mortgage? Construction costs?

I'll be direct: Land purchased, house fully planned, builder is a professional, personal financial framework defined, so what is this actually about now? It is not a general contractor total price where no one knows how much the shell construction, the windows, etc. make up in the overall calculation. You have all the technical details along with clearly delineated offers or estimates. Why is it now so difficult for you to make cuts until wishes and reality match again?

"Need arguments to slow down my husband" might have been the better title? Although that probably falls into the category of marriage counseling?

I can tell you where we saved, in case that helps you somehow: no balcony, one floor-to-ceiling window on the upper floor/air space reduced, concrete roof tiles instead of clay, removal of wall cladding at the front and back of the house: smooth wall, only color-accented, largely foregoing smart home, interior painting done ourselves (general contractor plastered/filler in Q3). In this simple way we saved a high five-figure amount without noticeable compromises in living quality. (Others might see this differently, especially smart home is a must-have for many)

It's a bit off topic or maybe not: Public sector wage negotiations? Then you are at a gross over 5000 if you get 100€ net. Is that so? Then your husband as an architect earns less than you if you have 6000 net together?

Exactly like that

I'll be direct: plot acquired, house fully planned, client is a professional, personal financial framework set, so what is this actually about now? It's not a total price for a general contractor where no one knows how much the shell construction, the windows, etc. make up in the overall calculation. You have all the technical details including clearly defined offers or estimates. Why is it so hard for you now to use the red pencil until wish and reality fit together again?

"Need arguments to slow my husband down" might have been a better title? Although that probably falls into the category of marital counselling?

I can tell you where we saved money, in case that somehow helps you: balcony gone, one floor-to-ceiling window in the upper floor/airspace reduced, concrete roof tiles instead of clay, wall projection at the front and back of the house gone: smooth wall, only color-contrasted, largely no smart home, interior painting done ourselves (general contractor plastered/fill to Q3). This way we saved a high five-figure amount without noticeable reductions in living quality. (Others might see it differently, especially smart home is a must-have for many)

Thanks! We really don’t need smart home at all We only have one dormer, which is necessary because of the damn knee wall...

...overly long double garage without basement, gable roof
...
KfW55
...
Wood stove 10,000
Windows, doors (wood-aluminum with external blinds) 50,000
...(air-to-water heat pump, ... controlled residential ventilation)
Tiles 10,000
...
Kitchen and carpenter 20,000 (estimated)
Electrical 16,000
...

As already mentioned by previous posters, your extra wishes are the price drivers.
Purely economically considered, anything that goes beyond the Energy Saving Ordinance only empties your own wallet because the payback periods are somewhere between 30 and 100 years.
So:
- Remove KfW55! The Energy Saving Ordinance is sufficient and with it also a gas boiler with solar collectors. Otherwise: heat pump with ground collector if the subsurface allows it (Bafa offers up to €4500 as a subsidy)
- Install chimney -> wood stove can be retrofitted later
- Remove controlled residential ventilation! Window rebate ventilators or simply regularly opened windows suffice unless you have allergies or live on a heavily trafficked road
- Windows: plastic or wood instead of wood/aluminum
- What is the carpenter supposed to do? Kitchens are also available individually for half the price
- Electrical: too little! Although we built with a general contractor, there were additional costs of €7,000 without meeting the requirements of DIN18015-2. Around €3,500 of that was for switches/sockets alone (material only)
- Carports are also available in stylish designs for €10,000 to €15,000 with an attached room at one end.

As already mentioned by previous posters, your extra requests are the price drivers. From an economic perspective, everything beyond the Energy Saving Ordinance only empties your own account because the payback periods lie somewhere between 30 and 100 years. So: - KfW55 away! Energy Saving Ordinance is sufficient and with that also a gas boiler with solar collectors. Otherwise: heat pump with ground collector as far as the subsoil allows (there is up to €4500 subsidy from Bafa) - Install chimney -> wood stove can be retrofitted later - Controlled residential ventilation away! Window rebate ventilators or even just regularly opened windows suffice if you are not an allergy sufferer or living on a heavily trafficked street - Windows: plastic or wood instead of wood/aluminum - What is the carpenter supposed to do? Kitchens are also individually available for half the price - Electric: too little! Although we built through a general contractor, additional costs of €7k without meeting the requirements of DIN18015-2. Of that approx. €3500 was spent on switches/sockets alone (material only)

According to the development plan, you are unfortunately only allowed to use an air-to-water heat pump, drilling is not permitted. The carpenter still has to do the interior window sills. Possibly, if there is money left over (hehehehe), also built-in furniture. The electrical work is already present to us as a finished offer. (80 sockets, all switches according to plan, staircase lighting, roller shutter connection and switches, light outlets, electric socket in the garage, connection for air-to-water heat pump, 3xLAN, telephone connection, outdoor sockets, underpressure monitor, stove connection, etc. Seems complete and is adapted to the design.) The KfW55 actually resulted from our wishes. So from brick and air-to-water heat pump; controlled residential ventilation is not yet included. Window U-value would not be different for the Energy Saving Ordinance (according to the manufacturer).

As an architect, you don't necessarily earn that well. A buddy of ours is at Hellweg as a certified architect.

80 sockets? We have 120 and have not yet felt it was too many, rather too few.

You have price drivers inside and they have to go or the financial framework must be raised.
Carport with storage room instead of garage
Plastic windows instead of aluminum
and everything should fit again.