Dowry hunter - Aunt's partner tries to cheat the grandmother

I have also followed the thread so far as a silent reader, but I can no longer keep my opinion to myself:

The moment you decide not to live near your family, you have to be aware that you are distancing yourself not only geographically but also socially from the family. Your own influence on family matters diminishes, and that is exactly what we have here (= the heart of the matter).

Here, you don’t have to worry about legal inheritance rights, gifts, or contracts; from 500 km away you fundamentally no longer have any direct influence. So no matter what purchase contracts or wills you hastily put together now, no matter how much money you spend at the notary for it, what is eventually negotiated and implicitly carried out on site is a completely different story.

You will have to accept that local relatives and acquaintances have a clear advantage here, can exploit it, and perhaps will exploit it. As said: the distance is the crucial point in dealing with old people without WhatsApp & co.

Therefore: two options:

1. You say you can’t show up there every week because... excuse x, excuse y, excuse z and accept that you have given up social contact and with it every right to influence the actions of the family member.

2. You move back nearby or drive 500 km to grandma every weekend, visit her, eat cake together, talk about the weather, the incompetent doctors, the good old days, the politicians, the evil refugees, the plot in GZSZ and Florian Silbereisen and hope to rebuild lost trust this way. You help grandma take care of the garden and clean the toilet. Only then are you in a position to gradually address the future and, above all, to actively help shape it.

What is it supposed to mean that this is not a topic for “coffee and cake”? Yes, for when else, you will hardly go on vacation together anymore? But not a topic at the first coffee and cake since Christmas, rather for the tenth visit in a weekly row.

The comfortable option, where you get the best of both worlds... haha: that won’t work. Never being there but making claims about who benefits from the future inheritance and who doesn’t? Nah, that won’t work. In the end, grandma will give everything away during her lifetime to the church or the animal shelter, well, whoever wasn’t there, wasn’t involved. But proverbs like “the last shirt has no pockets” and the like don’t go down well in this thread anyway, so let’s leave it at that.

I would have absolutely no objection if my grandma drinks away her little house or, for all I care, if it burns down. But she shouldn't let some stranger quack, who is not even family, talk her out of it and then maybe have to go to a nursing home. That is a difference, and anyone who hasn't been in such a situation has no idea!

good post. Would like to read more from you

She also says that we are supposed to pay for the funeral as a family. Which is okay, but she does not give insight into the finances of the grandpas/ grandmas

Yes, instead of grandpa the family: her and her.

That’s what I thought too when my grandma died. Didn’t want anything. Only one or two "worthless" keepsakes. I was also too sad to really think about it. Although due to the close proximity, no one would have noticed if I had already cleared out half the house beforehand. When my aunt and my cousin arrived a few days later and really packed everything they could carry into the car (including jewelry of course), I wondered why I had actually been so stupid. Unlike them, I wouldn’t have sold everything afterwards that could be sold for money. Conclusion: Your decency pleases third parties. Is that really better?

Yes, you certainly have a purer feeling. Otherwise you might blame yourself or feel bad. Be merciful, you are the better person

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The following two posts contain the same: is the charlatan in this case... I have quoted the wrong post now, but you know what Alex and I mean

It’s like HilfeHilfe, who wants to defend his wife against an allegedly greedy family member. A third party sitting next to it, not knowing this, could think the greedy husband of the deceased’s daughter wants to grab something

I would have no problem at all if my grandma drinks away her little house or burns it down for all I care. Only she shouldn’t let some stranger charlatan, who isn’t even family, talk her out of it and then maybe have to go to a nursing home. That’s a difference and anyone who hasn’t been in such a situation has no idea!

Katja, Mottenhausen is right!

Katja, Mottenhausen is right!

About what now?

I don't see it that simply. The decision not to live with my grandma was made by my parents before I was born. That doesn't mean I love my grandma any less. It also wouldn't bother me at all if my aunt talks my grandma into giving her all her jewelry or any other trinkets. But if her boyfriend kicks my grandma out the door because grandma is too gullible, then that's a different story.

With what now?

I don’t see it that simply. The decision not to live with my grandma was made by my parents before I was born. That doesn’t mean I love my grandma any less. It wouldn’t bother me at all if my aunt talks my grandma into giving her all her jewelry or any other frills. But if her guy kicks my grandma out because grandma is too gullible, then that’s a different story.

I’ve said it before: it’s your grandma who decides. And the couple is present and actually spends time with her. It doesn’t matter at all WHY they spend time with grandma. They do it, and that’s it. If grandma then thinks she should be cared for more or differently, then you have to accept that. It doesn’t matter at all why you live far away. Or why you don’t have that time for her.

It also has nothing to do with loving her. Grandma certainly knows that you love her, but at her age that means very little – what counts are tangible, present values. And honestly: you don’t like him, that’s obvious. But maybe grandma likes him, just as your aunt does.

And honestly: it’s not your opinion that counts here, but grandma’s!

So: love her, visit her now and then, but accept the situation if you’re not ready to change it. You’re like a little child who wants everything.

I can't believe you see it that way. What am I supposed to do with my grandma if that guy sells her house out from under her and she ends up crying? You think that's OK? Then I don't understand you and there's little point in talking about it. I see it differently. Period.