I still don't fully understand why one should completely do without ERR. For example, I don't always want to heat my bedroom. The same goes for the office on the days I work from home. The bathrooms maybe a bit more than the other rooms. What is the advantage of doing without ERR anyway?
There is the mantra to completely do without it. But it's not a law. You already have ERR anyway, so the point of cost savings on acquisition does not apply. I would also always recommend ERRs for bedrooms and other secondary rooms that you sometimes want to keep cooler.
The setting of the base temperature (21 in living rooms, 22-24 in the bathroom) should ideally not be done via the ERRs, but simply by the heating only warming the room automatically to the requested temperature. However, this only works well with a low supply temperature of around 30°. At 37+ it becomes difficult, because without regulating by the ERR, heat will continue to be delivered to the room even if it already has more than the required temperature, for example due to sunlight from outside.
Don't panic: A heat pump also works with ERRs and buffer storage and also with 37° supply temperature (at -10° outside). But in your case I would leave out the buffer storage. If you reduce the temperature spread of the heat pump from 37/29 to 35/31, there is also enough flow for the heat pump, with the same heat output, and the heat pump will be happy.
Regarding heating load: Looks like the correct calculation. I can't say whether the values are accurate, but they should be. Why your consumption is lower than fitting to the heating load cannot be said from afar and with the available documents. With additional insulation on top, the heating load will then not be above 9 kW. Even in the current state a 9 kW pump would suffice. Many 9 kW models can modulate as far down or almost as far down as the 5-7 kW ones. They are just the same technology with different power electronics.
About the energy consultant: 8 kW is the KfW maximum value. It makes sense for corresponding properties with complete renovation to a KfW efficiency house. You are right that this is completely exaggerated in your case. And why does the energy consultant sell/install heat pumps??