Sell the house or keep it alone in case of a theoretical divorce?

Apart from all the financial stuff: You seem to be a good person, maybe even a little too good. Unfortunately, I have also been through a similar relationship. At the time, the breakup was very hard for me, but I took the right lessons from it, developed myself as a person, and now, in hindsight, I’m quite glad about where I stand today. I just want to show you that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Thanks for the kind words and I believe that immediately. But right now, I actually have better and worse days. On the one hand, the house situation occupies me a lot, as I am always wavering between trying everything to keep it or cashing out properly and starting completely fresh and unburdened. In the next few years, I want to continue saving equity and then strike/built again at the right opportunity and with about the right partner.

Emotionally, of course, this topic weighs on me a lot as well, because I currently ask myself a lot what actually went wrong that we are at this point or even got to this point at all.

It probably makes sense not to try to solve both things at the same time, even if that always sounds so clever. But when you are not emotionally affected by it or can look at things in retrospect, it becomes clear to you.
You inevitably have the emotional part right in front of you all the time – the sadness, the disappointment, the self-reproaches, maybe some shame, the struggling, and much more. In this respect, I would particularly focus on that and on the fact that we no longer live under the same roof, even if a separate apartment/vacation rental or something like that consumes unnecessary money. Living in the same house further on feels brutal to me. I experienced that once when I was in a similar situation. It was probably something between blockade, silent hope, and uncertainty; only when we then lived separately did it become clearer to me. Somehow you probably don’t want to let go because it was a dream after all, which is only too understandable. But time brings it.
The question is whether your wife even wants to agree to such a proposed financial solution. Have you asked her that already? Otherwise, these are just nerve-wracking mental games for you, which should be clear first.
Unfortunately, it was like that for me at the time that no matter what I proposed, everything was rejected without a counterproposal, which is why it was then handled legally and became more expensive for both of us. Well, that was then really a clear cut, and today I am so glad about it, and when we happen to see each other once a year, we interact politely but with healthy distance. That could have been done cheaper and much less stressfully.

Hello everyone,

maybe a quick update and an additional question.
We have now documented the start of the separation year in writing at the end of October and it is already underway. Additionally, all "private" ongoing costs have been separated to the extent that the separation year is not at risk. Everyone is going their own way and legally everything that needs to be arranged on our side has also been settled.

Currently, we both still live in the house, although it must be said that she is practically not at home but very often away/on the road and has now certainly spent about 20 nights at the new partner’s place and also spends a lot of time there. So far, so good.

Now we just have to clarify the issue of the house. In the meantime, I have come to the conclusion that a joint sale would be the most reasonable way, as we could get the best price there. She has already briefly mentioned the sale once but has not said anything further yet. Now the question is, how do we proceed?

If she does not want to agree to a joint sale and absolutely wants to stay in the house, then in my opinion she should also pay me the price properly and not get a "bargain". Now the question for me is how we can best determine a fair value so that we can initiate a possible calculation of the payout amount?
I am somewhat concerned that a short appraisal, for example, will come in at €600,000, while in a joint market sale we could probably achieve a good €650,000+ or something similar. Does anyone have experience with what the best approach is now or what arguments I could bring in so that I can still get the maximum value for myself in case of a payout on her part?

how we can best determine a good value

Good for you or good for her? You won’t find THAT price. Just get a few agents to estimate a fair price as an indication (not the one they would initially put on the market, but the one they recommend you accept). But

She also briefly mentioned selling once but hasn’t said anything further. Now it’s about what happens next?

you should simply bring this to life. Ask her directly about her plans. You would like to sell now. Does she want to be involved or not – she should decide soon whether to sell or take over. Then you know how to proceed. Only then go to the above-mentioned step with the agent for a first indication or even commission (or advertise yourself if you don’t want to go through an agent – with the price the agent suggests).

Does anyone here have experience on what the best approach is now or which arguments I could bring in so that I can still get the maximum value for myself from a payout by her?

There is no patent solution. With a genuine sale to third parties it will be quite easy, as the amount is fixed. In a division among yourselves (i.e., takeover by her) I would commission a joint appraiser and instruct him to determine a realistic value. If you want to get as much as possible out of it, you convince her that you are happy to take care of an appraisal and instruct the appraiser what he is supposed to determine. But that’s not fair....

I have a bit of a fear here that a short appraisal might come in at around €600,000, while we could probably achieve a good €650,000+ or something similar on the market through a joint sale.

On the one hand, no one can know what the current market value actually is, meaning the value you are speculating about. You also cannot know whether the house might have a big loss on sale somewhere that you do not see. It can be a gem on the real estate market for oneself, but for others an average property with defects that is negotiated down. For a family of four, the layout might not fit, for the solvent and demanding couple the equipment is not suitable. For the one it fits, it is too expensive or the financing is stuck.

so that I can still get the maximum value for myself in a payout from you?

Phew, usually most people (at least those I know and who were in the same situation) rather care that something at all is possible. Then an imbalance or compromise or personal sacrifices of €20,000/30,000 quickly come within reach as the optimum. The saying usually applies: better a bird in the hand than a pigeon on the roof. For both!

Especially when it comes to money, the fun or patience eventually runs out. And you or you should look at it realistically: the more you demand, the less likely it is that she can pay you out and pay the remaining installments to the bank alone.
Then the sale might come into play after all, and experienced interested buyers can smell a forced sale.
Then some time will pass because a small "power struggle" can arise between the property owner and potential buyers.

I’ll tell you how we (ex-husband and I) did it back then (that was a long time ago, so values were much lower). However, I am just skimming through the beginning of the thread again and the situation was similar to yours back then.
But: the possible and smooth solution will not please you!
I (woman) had a somewhat lower income than my husband. Both of us contributed the same amount of equity to the financing (each €20,000), I officially received an interest-free loan of €50,000 from my parents (exactly because my father wanted to get his money back in case of separation). Actually, all that was in 1999 in Deutsche Mark, but that confuses when reading.
€250,000 loan. Equity on both sides during renovation from ongoing salary.
Selling after 5 years would have been an economic loss due to early repayment fees and the real estate slump.

Goal for everyone: as little loss as possible for both, feasibility through a fair reality check.

Fact: I kept the house because the €50,000 to my father did not have to be repaid.
He got his €20,000 back without interest. What he paid monthly into the installments is to be seen as equivalent to rent, which he would have paid otherwise, just like the renovation (which was manageable in terms of amount).
I bear the risk of the remaining financing without further claims against him. He is taken off the land register. He then gets an automatic pre-emptive right to the house.

What would have happened if there had been no real estate slump? If a profit had been expected?
Sale? No. Early repayment fees and the father loan would have brought everything back to zero or a small loss.

More payout to my ex? No. Probably exactly the same or a few thousand more. Certainly not 50% of the difference to the fictitious gain. And why not? Because I then could not have borne it alone. We would have gone around in circles dealing with the problem without solving it with our set goal.

And now you come with personal profit maximization. .

Hello , nice that you are getting back to me and there are first progress. Apparently there is no common way and each side wants to position itself optimally. It is probably not to be expected that this will run smoothly, since surely each side wants to come out as best as possible. Truly speaking frankly has apparently not happened yet, so these are merely one-sided wishes. I still believe that a smooth sale and the clean dissolution of the commonalities should be the top priority; each side will have to make sacrifices, if it is otherwise it would be nice. All your number games are worthless if you both do not want it that way; emotions or vulnerabilities often play a bigger role than cold hard cash. Sell as best and as quickly as possible and then set up your own life alone again, whether she now spends the night elsewhere 20 or 38 times. You may still be inflicting unnecessary pain on yourself, that is exactly what I would change myself and not wait for the other to change it for me. I want to be the captain of my own ship again, a wise friend once told me.