Desire for joint property - currently separated

  • Erstellt am 2020-07-16 10:07:10

apokolok

2020-07-16 16:02:45
  • #1
There are simply people who view a marriage / family / relationship as a joint project, there is only OURS and not MINE and YOURS (exceptions prove the rule). And then there are others who see the whole thing as a kind of business relationship. Since I have known my wife and we decided to do things together, I have not wasted ONE second calculating anything, dividing up, crediting household contributions or whatever. It is obviously a very personal standpoint, but in my opinion the approach of absolute equality / division / balancing of everything is simply doomed to fail and does not correspond to my understanding of a relationship.
 

Ybias78

2020-07-16 16:05:35
  • #2


And that's what I mean by "I'm a different generation." For me, marriage is a union. And there is no your and my money. There is only ours. Everything you work for, you work for together, and it doesn't matter who earns how much.

As I said, it may not only be the generation, but also the country where I grew up. It was about family and togetherness, not about mine and yours...
 

pagoni2020

2020-07-16 16:14:00
  • #3
I have no doubt about the functioning of your relationship or criticism of your way of life. What bothers me, however, is this missionary-sounding and also condescending choice of words, as if there were only the form you apparently live so happily; you apparently see everything else as inferior. Not only based on current divorce rates but also millions of other ways of life, you could recognize that there are many roads to Rome. You describe your form as a lived paradise and the others as greedy calculation, which I find presumptuous. Not only Loriot has often shown in a clear way HOW it often really looks in these paradises. The people who live and have arranged this openly and honestly do not talk about money and do not calculate anymore; you do that once at the beginning. Whenever someone tries to explain to me that everything is so great with them and that envy, feelings of injustice, mistrust are completely foreign to them, I know what to expect. There is one way and the other and as long as both feel good about it, it is fine, whether it is your here generalized version or any other arbitrary one. And... if you see your marriage as a "joint project," then we are already talking about different things; that sounds not very romantic...
 

apokolok

2020-07-16 16:20:23
  • #4
Then we agree. As long as we are not supposed to be under the same roof, I see no problems and everyone is as happy as they think is right. P.S. A long-term marriage actually has weightier components than romance. That is the salt in the soup, but not the bread and butter.
 

pagoni2020

2020-07-16 16:20:24
  • #5
I understand what you mean and basically do not disagree with you. In the other comments, my point is that BOTH are possible and neither is bad. As long as both sides feel good about it, money doesn't matter. But if one feels uncomfortable with something, there can be several understandable reasons, and then they have to bring it up, otherwise it will come out at some point later. I know all kinds of ways of life and have had different views in life. The two have to find the path that suits them; often there was a different life story before... So I do not contradict you in your view, I only say that there are just as many other ways of living together that can be just as fair and lovable. There is not The One and Only, as portrays it.
 

pagoni2020

2020-07-16 16:34:29
  • #6

Hello , I have read it. Your situation was/is really different and your general perspective on things is more understandable to me; therefore, it is hard to compare.
What would have bothered me about it is that your partner generally wants nothing joint, but only in his name. I would have resisted because apparently he wants to be the “boss” there in the worst case scenario, and that is a very bad starting point.
In the present case, however, he is not building more wealth by her moving in. Everything stays the same for him; only she has been saving her rent for years, and when moving in it was not about buying, and still no rent was paid. In principle, this is not bad at all and there are a thousand possible arrangements, but one should, as you also did, take their arising feelings seriously and not let themselves be told they are greedy or that they shouldn’t think that because otherwise they don’t love. One should clarify it openly and competently (have it clarified) so it does not come back as a boomerang at some point.

In his situation, I could also understand if she does not want to move into the house planned/built by him (or another (person?)) and they decide to start anew with building/buying so that the 50:50 feeling can be established. Then the house has to go (rent/sale), and they start the new one together. That would be what I would do!
 

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