Sell the house or keep it alone in case of a theoretical divorce?

Hello everyone,
I would like to hear independent opinions from outsiders regarding a possible divorce.

My wife, 30, and I, 36 years old, no children, both working full-time, moved into our new house at the beginning of the year. We have done a lot ourselves and currently have two (three) loans together.
For about 2 years she has unfortunately been suffering from moderate depression and is also in therapy, but for the last two months she has been questioning everything toward me and apparently does not know what she wants herself. From my gut feeling, I think she might want to separate, even though I absolutely do not want that. But on the other hand, this whole situation is bothering me so much that I need a view/opinion to be able to assess the situation.

We have been married for almost 1 year and have a marriage contract that clearly states that contributed capital from inheritances, real estate, etc. [particularly concerning her side] is not to be considered for joint assessment/gains.

Below are the framework parameters.

My income: €4700 net, from December around €4900 net (salary increase already confirmed in writing)
Her income: €3500 net
Land register: both registered

Loans:
1. Loan on the land with an outstanding balance of €145,000 (value: 525 sqm land at the current standard land price of €250 -> €131,250)
Rate: €635 (interest: €372.52) (fixed interest rate 10 years)
2. Loan on the house with an outstanding balance of €198,000 (single-family house, garage, heat pump, photovoltaic system, wallbox, high-quality equipment, 180 sqm living space in a popular residential area, front garden fully finished, only the soil needs to be leveled for the lawn)
Rate: €1073 (interest: €635.90) (fixed interest rate 10 years)
Debt with the bank: €343,000
Total rate: €1708

3. “Loan”: interest-free loan from her parents, which is currently not being repaid.

Bank + parents: €443,000

How do you assess the overall situation here? What would be the most sensible? Sell? Keep?

If I keep it, I would of course have to compensate my wife, which would increase the debt, and would a bank even go along with that?
In theory, I would like to keep the single-family house because I put a lot of effort and work into it last year and it breaks my heart to give it up.

Are these amounts still "manageably" healthy for me with my net income?

Otherwise, I have no further burdens except for an electric leasing vehicle that still runs for about 22 months at €350.

I can understand that well. Building a house with a lot of personal effort is very stressful. Now your wife is suffering from depression, which should not be underestimated.

I would say in good times and in bad.

You will have to repay the parents' loan, continue making the installments, and your income will probably be less.

Your monthly installment will then be about 3500 euros. There will be little left for living expenses.

Your wife is better off in that regard.

If I keep it, I would of course have to pay my wife out, which would increase the mountain of debt even more, and would a bank even go along with something like that?

Clear answer: That is a very tight squeeze, and you probably won’t get it financed (question: What is the house actually worth and how much do you have to pay your wife out?)

Bank calculation:
€2,200 living expense allowance for a single person (with €4,900 net in tax class 1)
€350 leasing
==> €2,350 maximum installment possible
At €1,708 you are already not far off with the existing loans. With the remaining surplus of €642, you can currently afford about €150,000 in credit. Whether that actually suits you in real life, would be for you to determine.

Your monthly installment is then about €3,500. That leaves little to live on.

How do you arrive at that?

I am still missing the following information for the reality:

- actual purchase price of the entire project – in other words: how much equity did you have?
- which parts of the equity were contributed by whom?

Because if your wife also contributed equity, that still needs to be paid by you.

But I would sell the place anyway – what do you want with 180 m² and the memories contained within it?

I can understand that well. Building a house with a lot of personal effort is very stressful. Now your wife is suffering from depression, which should not be underestimated. I would say in good times as well as bad times.

Absolutely. Well, I would also like to work on the relationship because I see the topic exactly the same way with the "bad times." Due to the illness, it comes in waves, and on some days she is overall more positive again. But I cannot predict her future behavior at all, and she probably can’t either, which is why I just wanted to get some "non-binding" information about the overall situation, how it looks or could look in the worst case.

Couples therapy is also still an option, at least for me, but at the moment I am unfortunately only getting the feedback, "I don’t know anything anymore," and this is a typical symptom of the illness.

I am still missing the following information for the reality check:

- real purchase price of the entire project – that is: how much equity did you have? - which parts of the equity were brought in by whom?

Because if your wife also contributed equity, that must be paid back by you as well.

I would sell the place anyway – what do you want with 180 m² and the memories contained within?

Pure construction costs were about €450,000 so far. We have brought in around €200,000 in equity, split equally.

You are probably right about the house and the size, but honestly, I see the amount of personal effort and especially an emotional value for me right now.

First of all, my sincere condolences. I have relevant experience and can only say that you should primarily seek help for yourself if you notice that you are now reaching your psychological limits. If you still want to, those are already good prerequisites. Very important is the realization that it does not depend solely on you to "heal" your wife or to save the relationship. Also very important is that she is in therapy and sticks with it. Otherwise, you can only always signal to her that you are there and accept her. Do not convey any pressure or expectations or disappointment. Even couples therapy, I don't really see as helpful at this point. And as I said, seek help either with a self-help group for relatives or your own therapist (easier said than done). That depressed people take the step of separation would be rather unusual; they are usually not very decisive and do not have the energy to address something like that. This is no guarantee, but I actually want to get across to you that I recommend ending such thought games like this thread as quickly as possible. 1. It changes your mindset and attitude, possibly subconsciously and not positively with regard to the relationship 2. If your wife finds out about this, you deal the last blow to the little bit of trust that remains. Regarding your question, I can only say that even in case of emergency you still have enough time, since for example you have to wait out the separation year before it really comes to divorce. I wish you all the best!